Some of my stories

[dapimpsquad]

Im gunna post some stuff that i made for "Creative Writing" (an elective).

*I turned all of the following stuff in and never got in trouble.*

[dapimpsquad]

This is by far the worst story of all of them and i kind of recommend skipping it...

Bethel Johnson’s it’s A Beautiful Life

It was a warm fall night on September the 8th. There had been constant rain all day. Little Bethel Johnson was sitting at the computer and chatting with some friends online when an instant message popped up from someone who he didn’t know. He started talking to this person. The person ended up being a secret admirer. They said how much they liked him but didn’t want to say who they were until they were with each other in person. They arranged to meet at the pier at midnight. Bethel looked at the clock, 10:45. The mystery admirer signed off after Bethel had agreed.
Bethel snuck out at 11:30 and started walking to the pier. He got there and he looked at his new Timex. It was 11:45. He was walking around the pier when he heard what sounded like arguing then some gunshots. He ran over to where he heard the noise and saw what looked like a body being dragged into the water. Bethel nearly wet himself when he saw the person dragging the body look in his direction. Bethel decided it would be best to run like the wind. When he got home he went straight to his room and locked it. He signed online and saw an e-mail from his friend Ray.
It said “It looks like you’re going…” in the title so he double clicked it and it said to “lose the bet”. Bethel remembered that he had bet Bethel 50 Twinkies that he wouldn’t be able to get a date to homecoming. Ray had copied and pasted a conversation he had had with someone. Bethel looked at who Ray was talking to and his jaw dropped, the same person who had instant messaged Bethel had done the same thing to Ray. He scrolled through the conversation and at the end it said for him to meet her at the pier at 11:45. Bethel was confused.
He went into his bed and pulled the sheets over his head. He thought long and hard about what was going on until he finally fell asleep.
When Bethel finally woke up it was 10:30. Bethel thought OH SHOOT, IM MISSING SCHOOL! MY MOMS GOING TO KILL ME! Bethel woke up and saw his mom crying at the end of his bed. Bethel asked his mom what was wrong. His mom leaned in to hug him and said that they had found Ray’s body face down in the water down by the pier. Bethel started to cry. Bethel put his face into his pillow and just let the tiers flow. Bethel thought that this was all some cruel joke or a nightmare. Bethel went onto his computer to see if he could prove or disprove that it wasn’t a dream.
He turned on the computer and signed onto AOL. He saw nothing. This wasn’t a dream. Bethel felt a sharp pain in his chest. Bethel walked downstairs and saw Ray’s parents crying in the kitchen with some policemen. The fat policemen told Bethel that they needed to talk. Bethels stomach did a twist. The pain sharpened.
The police officers gestured for Bethel to follow them. Bethel sat down on the big green leather chair. It felt cold. The police officer asked what Bethel had done last night. Bethel told the police officer that he did some homework, wrote an English essay, talked to some friends online and was in bed by 11:00. The police officer showed him a familiar Boston Red Sox’s hat. This hat was found on the pier this morning. We have concluded that it is yours because it has your name on the tag.
Bethel remembered when he got that hat. He was at a Red Sox Yankees game with Ray and his family when he won it in a raffle. The sox were down 3 in the bottom of the ninth and Manny was up with two outs and the bases loaded. Manny swung at the first pitch and hit a towering fly ball to right center. Bethel took the hat off and caught it in it. Ever since then Bethel was convinced it was lucky, so he wore it everywhere.
Bethel said that it was indeed his hat. The police officers asked if we wanted to withdraw his story and tell the truth. Bethel said no because he was afraid he would get grounded for sneaking out. The police said that they had video footage of him being at the pier and then running away at about the time that they suspect that Ray was murdered. Bethel looked down and started crying. He was so overwhelmed with emotions. Guilt, anger, depression, sadness, and many other emotions were filling Bethels little body. The police officer asked if Bethel had any access to any firearms and Bethel said no. The police officer then asked if Bethel had been in any recent arguments with Ray. Bethel thought for a moment and then said no. The police officers looked at each other until the one told Bethel that yesterday Ray came home very upset because he loaned his XBOX to you and you had broken it. Ray wanted you to pay for it but you said no because it wasn’t your fault. Then Ray said that if you wouldn’t pay then he would never talk to you again. Bethel knew exactly what the officer was talking about. Bethel told the officer that the other day Ray was over and he wanted to see what would happen if he put a slice of bologna in it. It started smoking and ruined the bologna.
The police officer asked Bethel to follow them. They were taking him to the police station. When Bethel got into the back seat he started going crazy. He was jumping around like and 8 year old who had too much sugar. He was literally bouncing off the walls. When Bethel arrived at the police they called his mom to tell her that he was going to be staying overnight. After long hours of questioning Bethel was finally allowed to go to sleep.
When he woke up he was in his bed at home and his alarm was going off. Bethel just laid there not knowing what was happening. Bethels mom popped her head in and told him to get out of bed or he’d be late for school. Bethel asked who he would walk to school with. His mom said I’m assuming Ray… Bethel said how Ray was dead. Bethels mom told him that it was just a bad dream and that Ray had called to make sure you get up early enough to be able to go out to breakfast. Bethel realized that it really was a dream when he remembered that the two police officers were actually brooms.

The Moral of the story is: Don’t drink and drive.

[dapimpsquad]

i cant find the intro to this one, but its about me as the president...or maybe it was bill clinton...

“What is it?” I asked.
“There are numerous groups planning assassinations”
“How many plots?” I asked nervously.
“75, and that doesn’t include the ones that only leave you disabled”
“How could so many groups hate me” I asked frustrated.
“Well I think it might have to do with some of the bills you’ve passed.”
“Such as…” I asked confused.
“Off the top of my head I can think of 5. The first was when you made it mandatory that not only do cities have to have a village idiot, but they have to pay them. The second was that schools had to make up a mystery meat and sell it on Wednesdays. The third was when you tried to get congress to approve a new day of the week called Katilsday. The fourth was when you tried to start a government fund searching for Elvis and the albino sewer alligators below New York City. The final one that I can think of was when you increased funding towards cloning just incase you really were assassinated.”
“I think that those are all very plausible causes,” I explained.
“Please tell me why you think that.”
“Well, the village idiot is the person that brightens everyone’s day. He or she can do this in many ways. They can swim in the fountain, dance like an idiot, wave at traffic, and do practical jokes. The mystery meat came to me when I was thinking of my deprived childhood and how I never got the pleasure of eating strange things in school. Except for the nachos which looked like cat vomit and the pudding in a can that looked and tasted like cat food. The new day would give everyone off from work and school. Except for places that are open all week anyways. If we can prove that Elvis is still alive or that the albino sewer gators really exist we can sell tickets for people to see them. Think how much money people would pay to see “the king” or albino sewer gators. All the money we spent looking for them would be returned in triple. And finally why not increase funding towards cloning. It would end world hunger. “
“You’re an idiot” he said as he walked out.
“Yeah well if I’m an idiot then you’re a goblin”
“That makes no sense” he said as he got to the door.
“You make no sense!” I hollered.
I started feeling really nervous due to the news of the assassination plots. I decided to try to get that secret service guy fired. So I went into the kitchen and got some carrots. Then I looked for some colored wires. I took my tick, tock, clock and tied the carrots to it and I put it in a bag and put his name on it. I now had a homemade bomb. I went back into my office and called my secretary to tell her that the secret service guy had left his bagged lunch in my office and that it was ticking. My secretary came in, took the bag, and gave me my schedule for the week. Naturally, I crumbled it up and tossed it to the far garbage and yelled “They need this for the win….IT’S GOOD!”
My secretary came in and said “You are so stupid. Did you think that I was really going to think that was a bomb?”
“Can you do me a favor and send this to congress. I want to start an investigation on who is stealing the water,” I said as I examined the water being poured into my cactus. “We’re going to have to cut funding towards stem cell research, road repairs, and restoration of historical buildings,” I looked up and my secretary had already walked out. My secretary paged me and told me to work on my speech that I was going to give the seniors. I thought, “Hey, I’m a hip guy, I can speak their dope language. They’re only 27 years younger then me.” I decided that I would just wing it so I went under my desk and took a nap. A couple hours later I heard a loud bang my secretary was standing there and she had just dropped a dictionary on my desk. “You need to leave now,” she said impatiently.
“Ya, Ya,” I said nonchalantly.
“Where’s your speech?”
“All up here,” I said confidently as I pointed at my head.
“This country is doomed,” as she hid her face in her hands.
I walked down the hallway and down the stairs and I went outside to my bulletproof limo. My driver asked, “How are you doing?”
“Mighty fine, how ‘bout those Cowboys?” I said.
“They’ve been kicking butt and taking names.” He answered.
“They’re my choice for Super bowl champs.” I said.
I closed the glass window between him and me to avoid anymore awkward chatting. I fell asleep again and when I woke up I was in front of a crowd of people but I couldn’t tell what they looked like because I didn’t have my glasses on. I walked over to the podium and took a quick sip of water.
“Wazzup my home dogs? I’m here to talk about what’s cooking on the home skillet. Also, to tell you brothers that government jobs are the shiznite. Oh, snap! There’s some crazy stuff going on in the westside. Ya hur. There are oodles of g’s to buy your ice if you go into government jobs.”
I kept talking and trying to make hip hand signals when finally someone brought me my glasses, I put them on and realized that I wasn’t talking to high school seniors; I was talking to senior citizens.
”Ummm…” I stammered.
I tried to play it cool and just start improvising but it was too late I bumbled on for another hour until it was time for their sponge baths. I went to my limo and went to sleep.
I woke up we were pulling into the White House the leader of the CIA was standing on the front step and there was a bomb defuser there. He told me there was someone who had some how sneaked onto the premises and climbed into the oval office window and then escaped.
“That’s not good,” I said.
“Dern’d right its not good.”
“Well, let’s tighten up security and keep me safe.”
I’m a step ahead of you; I installed the laser grids so that anything larger then a squirrel will set it off.”
“Why don’t we just get those robots like I suggested?”
“Because they don’t exist” the CIA leader said frustrated.
“Sure they do he sells the Gazelle Freestyle Elite. I think they call him Tony Gazelle.”
“That’s not a robot”
“Then how is he so perky?” I questioned.
“He is on many drugs; notice how he is so twitchy”
“I just thought that he had a virus or something”
“No”
“Ill take your word Big Guy”
“You are the weirdest man I've ever met in my life”
“No, you are the weirdest man you’ve ever met”
“What?” He asked.
“Huh” I responded.
“Whatever” he said as he got into his limo.
I walked into the white house and saw Hillary was crying.
“Honey, what’s wrong?” I asked as sympathetically as possible.
“You almost died today” She wept.
“I know but I didn’t and that’s the important thing. Securities been increased so something like this wont happen again,” I told her.
“I understand, but maybe you should resign so there aren’t any more assassination attempts”
“I’ve thought that but I can’t let my country down,” I explained as I walked towards my office. “You’re going to have to excuse me because I have some work to do.” I kissed my wife and said “See you at dinner”. I army crawled towards my desk and looked for explosives. I sat in my big leather chair and started filling out paperwork and the time started to fly by. Before I knew it, it was time for dinner. The chef got what I requested, a chicken Caesar pita for Hillary, a fish filet for Chico, our dog, and 3 hamburger happy meals for me.
“You really need to stop eating fast food. Look what happened to Clinton,” Hillary said worried.
“Don’t worry about me; I’ve been eating fast food since I was 3.”
“That’s terrible!” She exclaimed.
“No, that means that I’ve developed a tolerance”
“Fast food isn’t like alcohol. You can’t develop a tolerance.”
“That’s not what Ronald McDonald told me.”
“Oh really, what did he say?” She asked in disbelief.
“He told me the more fast food I eat, the healthier I will become.”
“Well, that’s not true at all. All scientists agree that fast food is bad for you. So who are you going to believe, scientists that are some of the best minds in the country or a crazy fool who went to clown college.”
“I’ve made my decision,” I burst out.
“On what?”
“We are going to bomb Japan for sending the ninja to my office in order to assassinate me, they must pay.”
“But most likely it wasn’t a ninja, it was probably just a regular guy,” Hillary explained.
“I’m not taking any chances. I just have to make a doctored photo of a ninja in my office and send them to congress. Then they will approve for sure.”
“I hope to all that is holy that congress doesn’t approve because then the same hippies that were after George W. Bush will be after you.”
“I’m willing to take that risk in order to protect my life”. The rest of dinner was pretty quiet. I was the last one finished and I finished just in time to watch the Monday night football game. I went into the living room and I was greeted by a friendly basket of pretzels. “Well hello there? Where have you been all my life?” I sat down on the plush couch and got the remote and turned it to Fox. The game was close down to the wire and I was munching away on the pretzels when Phil Dawson hit a 45 yard field goal to win the game. “YYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” I said with a mouthful of pretzels.
Uh oh. I started choking. This was not good. The room was spinning and I passed out and died. Yea, what a tragic ending, but that’s not really what happened. The public thinks I'm dead, but I just moved to my own Island via the Capitol One contest. Life is sweet and I don’t have a worry in the world. Except for the people of Atlantis coming and attacking me. Hillary and I are starting a family and will live on our little island forever. I’m even making plans for a statue of me. Our neighboring Islands are very nice. Elvis lives across the canal, Tu-pac lives to our East, Amelia Airheart lives to our South, and to our West is none other then the Kennedys. We are getting ready for a banging party. So that’s the end. Really it is.

[dapimpsquad]

(I had to write some poems so i had some fun with them)

I wear my gay little sequince glove

I like small boys, I’m full of love

I do my moonwalk in my shows

I move real quick watch me go

I walk in a room and to my delight

I see thirty 8 year olds, what a site

The cops bust in and ruin my fun

I get blanket, my son, and try to run

I use to be black but now I’m not

Seeing those kids just made me so hot

I ran as fast as my white legs could

I ended up on the cop cars hood

I looked around and to my shock

My nose was gone and by a rock

The cops tried to put me in jail

But never forget Ill just pay bail

This will continue till the day I die

Or at least until the children start to lie

Ill date girls 30 years younger then me

And then youll call me R. Kelley

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Martha Stewart as free as can be

For her the holidays were what you see

what she sees now is quite plain

in her West Virginia cell she has much to gain

she can make dough from jail

so she might pay bail

there are free martha shirts

and homemaker skirts

she will be in prison singin' a song

and nobody nowhere knows for how long

The longer the better like 3 million days

I hope shes gone forever now what can i say

Kobe Bryant Poem
Here's the story of a bright young man,
Who seemed to do no wrong like it was all some plan.
He messed up big time in the county of Eagle,
He did something which was barely legal.
When I heard what he did I just had to hurl,
He pulled off the full court press on a 19 year old girl.
When his sponsors heard he lost his million dollar deals,
Looks like he won’t be endorsing the new McRib meals.
Well one day Karl Malone walked in with a Sobe,
And he shouted out “Don’t be rapin’ Kobe”
Kobe misunderstood and thought Karl would ruin his life,
So Kobe told the press that Karl made a pass at his wife.
This wasn’t the only bad thing that Kobe has done,
The reign of Kobe in L.A. has now begun.
With Shaq and Phil gone which was all Kobe’s plan,
In Tinsel town he is now the Lone Man.
I hope he doesn’t expect to win another ring,
Because everyone knows that Shaq was LA’s king

Dr. Phil Poem
Women are smart and men are dumb,
Is one thing you’d hear from this bum.
Ive never liked him and I never will,
You guessed it, Its Dr. Phil.
Instead of watching him Id hack my toe,
But theres one thing we’ll never know.
How does he give advice to obese men,
When we both know hes no size ten.
He talks likes he is fresh off the farm,
I bet he got his wife with that country charm,
Hearing his voice just makes me vomit,
If I knew his address Id probably bomb it.
Now you can tell how much I despise this “man”,
But maybe he’s just part of a much bigger plan.
How could we be so dumb, how didn’t we know,
Its all Oprahs fault he got his own show.
He is just a pawn in her quest for more power.
OH NO, its four guess whats on in an hour?
It’s the Dr Phil Show and why should I lie,
I think instead of watching it I’d rather die

[dapimpsquad]

The Scariest Moment of your Life
I’m driving home from work and Im finally relaced from a stressful day. I come to some bushed and something rins in front of the car and stops like a deer. I slam on the breaks and I see the scariest thing Ice ecer seen in my life. Michael Jackson. He had on a small red jacket, his white gloces, and red pants. He let out a shrill scream like a small girl would. He pranced to my window and asks if I have any children. I said yes. He sayd he’s starting a youth basketball league on Neverland Ranch. The kids would spend the summer there. The age range was from two through seven. I told him that all ten of my little boys would participate on one condition. When I said ten little boys hus eyes lit up like a small childs would on Christmas. I told him that he would have to steal 20 pairs of socks from K-Mart. Those were my favorite pair of socks in the whole world. He ran off and as soon as he was out of sight I floored it. I got home as soon as I could. I came home to my wife and she said the usual Hello, how was your day. I told her how I met Michael Jackson and that I told him that we have 10 small boys. She laughed and handed me a plate consisting of steak, green beans, and a baked potato. Do I have to eat the green beans I asked with a pouty face. My wife said yes and you cant leave the table until you do. I dropped the green beans in my lap when my wife wasn’t looking and then I put them in my pocket. That wasn’t so bad I said. I finished my dinner and I had to go to the little boys room. Ha, the little boys room, I crack myself up. I walked into the bathroom and I casually looked over at the shower and I saw something that nearly made me lose contorl of all bodily functions. Michael Jackson was standing in my shower. I opened the shower door and grabbed him by his nose. That didn’t work well because his nose came off. I grabbed his arm and pulled him outside. I quickly ran and finished my business. I also flushed the green beans away. I walked into the living room and Michael Jackson is sitting talking to my wife. I picked up the phone and threatened to call the cops. He said he would leave as soon as I got him his ten little boys. He also told me that verbal contracts are legally binding in this state. I had no little boys to give so I am now Michael Jacksons lackey. I carry things for him. I make Jesus Juice™ too. I have to do this until I get him his ten little boys, but hey, at least I got 20 pairs of socks.

[dapimpsquad]

Mall Santa
Today I went to the store and there was a large line for some reason. It turned out they were having auditions for mall Santa. There were people who were camped out in tents. I decided to get in line because I had nothing better to do. I was last in line. They opened the door and called people in one by one. After about a minute a skinny pale man walked out of the store when he got closer I realized it was Michael Jackson.
“How’d it go?” I asked him.
“They started singing, Beat It”
“What a shame,” I said as sympathetically as possible, even though I was relieved.
I started looking around and I saw some familiar faces. Al Roker and John Madden were towards the front too. They had a rotisserie barbeque chicken over a little fire. The line was dwindling fast. I would see celebrities as well as ordinary people walk by. I even saw Rosie O’Donnell, but I don’t think that she was auditioning, I think that she was just here for the all you can eat buffet. She walked out with 2 bear claws in each hand. She ate them two at a time and finished them in about 30 seconds. There were 2 left in front of me. Cashley and Tayshawn, but I don’t think they were auditioning for Santa, maybe elves, but definitely not Santa. Tayshawn walked in first and they told him to come back next week when they were having auditions for oompa loompas. Cashley walked in and they told her that their employees don’t smoke because smoking kills. I walked in next and they were about to give me the job when Ruben Studdard walked to the door. They immediately gave him the job. They said that he got the job because he outweighs me by about 200 pounds. I walked out and a man with a high pitched voice asked if they were still holding auditions. It was obviously Michael Jackson in a disguise so I told him that it was round 2, and that in round 2 they put little boys on your lap and you got to ask them questions. The man blushed and smiled with glee as I walked away. There were 4 ambulances, and all of them were for people who had heart attacks. I walked over and saw Rosie O’Donnell, John Madden, Al Roker, and Dr. Phil, lying on stretchers. I walked home thinking how much better my life would be knowing that there was no longer a fat man giving other fat men advice on how to lose weight.

The Life and Times of Grizzly Adams
Hello, my name is Grizzly Adams and this is my life story. I was born in the Sahara Desert. I am of Native American dissent and have on known relative, Patrick Swayze who may or may not be my mother. When I was born I was put in a crib and put in the Nile River. Wait a minute… that wasn’t me…that was Moses. I tend to confuse myself with Moses. I was just abandoned in a crib in the Sahara with a picture of Patrick Swayze. I was found by a sheep farmer and he raised me. I had few chores on the farm. I had to hunt for food, and take care of my pets. We had many animals but my favorites were the dog and my two pet hot air balloons. We had lots of fun together. The dog taught me how to stalk animals. My whole life my left eye was crooked, this made it difficult during hunting. It seemed as if my eye was trying to escape. One day I was walking through the woods when I saw the love of my life. I was blinded by the beauty. It was eating berries. I ran home quickly and told my father that I met the love of my life. He didn’t seem to care, he was watching Happy Days. Then I told my dad that I liked Potsy. He said that Potsy was a nice boy. I told him that I really liked Potsy. I understood you the first time; you have a homosexual attraction to Potsy my dad snapped. I got a ring so I could propose to the beauty in the woods. I ran as fast as I could but the beauty was gone. I was so sad that I decided to just live in the woods for the rest of my life until I found the beauty. I built a log cabin, grew a beard, and made clothing out of animal skins. It wasn’t until ten years later that I saw the beauty. I was love struck. I got the nerve to go talk. The beauties name was Charlie and he was an eight foot grizzly bear. I got down on one knee and proposed. He accepted and moved in. He took on the female role by doing housework and I went hunting. I came back one day from a hard day of hunting and Charlie was doing dishes. Who’s Steve she blurted out. He’s a forest ranger I answered. Well, why did he call and ask when you were going out Charlie asked. I knew I was in trouble so I tried to run. Charlie was an amazing runner, he taught Jesse Owens to walk and run. Charlie caught me and mauled me so badly that I now don’t have and legs. I wrote this whole story with my mouth. I’m getting tired so it’s over now.

[Daniel Mushahsd]

you have issues. But I like that. I'm not done with em all, but you do assignment just like I used to do assignments...

[dapimpsquad]

my doctor says i have "psycological issues"

[Daniel Mushahsd]

When I was in school, I was forced to see a shrink.. of course they didn't listen to him when he said "he's too smart for you people" but anyway, I see too much of me in you for me to be comphortable talking to you anymore..........

Next thing I know you'll poisen your entire class with cookies giving a speech on "easily obtainable poisenous plants and how to use them in daily life" while telling them it's a speech on "cooking"

almost got expelled for that one...... it was worth it

[dapimpsquad]

i get that too, when i was in 4th grade they wanted me to move up a grade, but i didnt want to. in 6th grade i was supposed to take the SAT and i would have if my mom wasnt retarded and knew how to use a calender...

of all the standardized tests that i have taken i have never gotten less then 98th percentile. ;D

by the end of my senior year, i will go to a 4 year school for 3 years because i will have/already have a bunch of credits. ;D